Best quote of anything.

What do you think the best quote is? It can be from anything anywhere.

See my sig. Those are my favorites. Particularly Dori's of late.

John 3:16 is very good, ummm lemme think...
"The only certain things in life are death and taxes"
"The english and americans are two peoples separated by a common language"
"Don't panic"
Dori's is great too Major.

Geez dude why did you make this thread? There are way too many good quotes out there, and everyone will have several favorites.

This is my favorite quote from the comic
Oh good! She's laughing!
( Tedd from the sister saga (Knock the Board over))

Zmoore didn't say the comic, Trayas. He said ANYWHERE!! If ya want the best comic quote thread, there is one lying around somewhere. Haven't seen it in a few days, though...

Ohhhhh Hehehe
Okay here is one that is not from the comic. It's from Terry Prachetts book "The Last Hero". It's between Carrot and Rincewind

Carrot- Outstanding! It's just a walk in the park.

Rincewind- You mean people are going to mug us and steal all our money and kick us violently in the ribs?

"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool." - Edward Burr


"Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.
Those who study history are doomed to know it's repeating."


"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them." -- George H. W. Bush


"Every year a couple of programmers try taking a shower for the first time and they are inevitable found dead a couple of days later.

Instructions on shampoo bottles say:
Lather; rinse; repeat."

That'll do. :D

Missed a few... :D


"Vegetarians eat Vegetables, BEWARE the man who claims to be a Humanitarian."

"Forthcoming: the automotive industry will improve car mileage and durability by clarifying that a mile is actually only 1000 feet."

"Honk if you love peace and quiet."

On a more serious note I quite liked this one when I stumbled across it:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. It's not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Nelson Mandela

also this one:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
Ambrose Redmoon

and this infamous exchange:

Lady Astor, aghast at a party. "Mr. Churchill your drunk!"

Mr. Churchill: "And you, Lady Astor, are ugly. As for my condition, it will pass by the morning.
You, however, will still be ugly."

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
--Churchill's reply

Originally posted by showler
Lady Astor, aghast at a party. "Mr. Churchill your drunk!"

Mr. Churchill: "And you, Lady Astor, are ugly. As for my condition, it will pass by the morning.
You, however, will still be ugly."

"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
--Churchill's reply

Classic. :lol:

"Remember, on the other other hand, you have different fingers."
"Change is ineviatable, except from a vending machine."
"If you need to borrow money, borrow it from a pessimist, they never expect it back."
"Don't stare at a carton of orange juice, just because it says concentrate on the lable."

"umm, lina, we are going to die here aren't we?"
"Naga, i will never forget your sacrafice"
"umm lina"
"NAGA, GO FORTH AND DIE FOR ME!!"
promptly followed by lina throwing naga into the hord of zombies
Slayer - OVA

"It is white" - George Bush when asked to describe the whitehouse

"It is green" - Data when asked to describe the alcohol he found behind Guinan's bar.

There is another Churchill party story:
Churchill to a woman:"Madam, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?"
Woman:"Well, yes"
Churchill:"Well then, would you sleep with me for one pound?"
Woman:"What kind of woman do you think I am?"
Churchill:"We've already established what kind of woman you are. We're just haggling over the price"

Only the insane have strength enough to prosper.
Only those who prosper may truly judge what is sane.
(from a "Warhammer 40,000" sourcebook)

Optimists believe we live in the best of all possible worlds. Pessimists fear this is true.
(I keep forgetting the guy who said this)

All living things produce waste and then die.
(A GCSE biology textbook!)

When you're sitting with a pretty girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you're sitting on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity.
(Albert Einstein)

Ni!

Never criticize someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. that way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

eh, this needs to be narrowed down some, seriously.

ABSOR SMASH!! -- gucomics.com

Hour one of operation: Hide in Bushes! Current status? All Good! -- Shame on you if you don't know exactly where to look for this one.

AUUUUGHHHH IT'S IN MY HAIR IT'S IN MY HAIR!!!! -- http://207.44.131.131/archive.html?67?#51

"life ins't fair, highness. anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something."
--wesely, the princess bride

Besides the one in my sig two others I like

Democracy? An Excellent idea, when will it begin?
(Not the exact words but Mohatmas Ghandi did say that at one time)

IF you can be told what to see or hear, it follows you can be told what to say and think.

Marcus Eoin and Micheal Sandison, collectivly Boards of Canada.

I've not the faintest idea who said this, but here goes nothing:

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers."

"Applying the tools of logic to religious belief is of as much sense as attempting to staple a sneeze to a fog bank."

Democracy? An Excellent idea, when will it begin?
(Not the exact words but Mohatmas Ghandi did say that at one time)
As I recall, when asked what he thought about Western civilization, Ghandi said something like "I think it would be a wonderful idea!"

"Applying the tools of logic to religious belief is of as much sense as attempting to staple a sneeze to a fog bank."
Not true. I can successfully apply logic to the vast majority of Christian literature (I specify Christian because that is what I am familiar with, not to convey bias against other religious beliefs.)

"If you want something done..you can do it one of three ways...Do it yourself..hire someone...or forbid your kids to do it"

"Nothing is idiot proof...mainly because idoits are so ingeinous"

"If you want to find a faster way of doing something...give it to a lzay person"

suicide? is it tasty?-Shinobu, Love Hina

Not true. I can successfully apply logic to the vast majority of Christian literature (I specify Christian because that is what I am familiar with, not to convey bias against other religious beliefs.)
Those words weren't from my mouth, just so you know. I just like the analogy.

Aside from the nice lines in my signiture...

"Programmers are constantly trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot-proof programs. The universe is trying to create bigger and better idots. So far, the universe is winning." -?

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." -Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to to the Galaxy

Quotes? Heck, I collect quotes! Here's a small sampling...

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769 - 1821) The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.
Hannah Arendt (1906 - 1975) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Tom Stoppard (1937 - ) Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977) The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944) What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave Barry (1947 -) I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.
Robert Bakker, paleontologist I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
Nora Ephron Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
John Benfield Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945) When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Bernard Bailey Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Frank Zappa (1940 - 1993) My Karma ran over your dogma.
Unknown A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
Joseph Stalin (1879 - 1953) Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Unknown A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971) What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?
Irv Kupcinet Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin (1937 - ) Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave Barry The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001) Let's have some new cliches.
Samuel Goldwyn (1882 - 1974)

Who is Dave Barry? I like his quotes.

Who is Dave Barry? I like his quotes.

He writes a column and funny books.

Cowboy Bebop quoty goodness!

"I haven't committed any crimes... well, at least not any bad ones." - Faye

"Looks like all my good karma is finally paying off." - Spike

"Foody food food. Do you have any? Yes you don't! No you do!" - Edward

"Bonsai, bath toy, wise guy, water boy; lights shine bright in the O-town tonight." - Edward

"So that's the story. And what's the lesson? Dont leave things in the fridge." - Spike

"Hmmmmm... I think I'll name you... MPU!" - Edward
"MPU?" - Satellite
"It's kinda like CPU, but much cooler!" - Edward

"A hundred percent mongrel?" - Spike
"Yeah, that's all the percents there are!" - Jet

"Ahhh, that's the wrong one." - Edward
"Huh?" - Spike and Jet
"You got a VHS." - Edward
"Huh?" - Spike and Jet
"It won't play beta." - Edward
"Huuuh!?" - Spike and Jet

"I like women who aren't usually feminine, but show it on certain circumstances. I like that." - Spike
"Really?" - Faye
"Chc! I'm not talking about you." - Spike
"Then who?" - Faye
"Maybe it's me!" - Edward
"Next Episode: Jupiter Jazz Part II." - Spike
"Maybe its meee." - Jet

"I think I know, I don't think I know, I don't think think I know, I don't think I think." - Edward

"My ship works better when I kick it." - Spike

"Bang." - Spike

"Sorry, I'm gonna make a bit of a mess." - Spike

"Hot dog bun! Not too young!" - Edward

Aside from the nice lines in my signiture...

"Programmers are constantly trying to create bigger, better, and more idiot-proof programs. The universe is trying to create bigger and better idots. So far, the universe is winning." -?

"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." -Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to to the Galaxy

To correct that first one...

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.” -- Rich Cook

And I'd post quotes but, well, I put them in my signature instead, and rotate them when I feel like it. I can't go giving them all away at once, can I?

Nabeshin: Explosions fix everything.

Simple, yet actually true, I love it.

"Whats it like living in a constant haze of stupidity?" Hiei

"He is a first class moron." Hiei
"A moron and an idiot." Genki

"I find "Ass Toes" to be a very fitting name, 'cause we're gonna kick his ASS! And, see, that'd put our TOES close to-- What?" Red Mage

"Astos? Mo' Like Yo' Ass Is Toast!" Black Mage

"What Now?! A rat?........Dead for a Ducat!! DEAD!!!! *stabbing and screaming*" -Hamlet

"all your base are belong to us!"
-CATS

"Where are the plans?"
"Open my pants"
"Oh, i havent' been in prison long enough for this"
--Earth Dick and Former Empreror Raff

"No, Don't kill me! I shared a cell with your father!"
"You knew our father?"
"Yeah, he gave me plans of Spengo's castle!"
"Where are they?"
"Open my pants..."
--Earth Dick and Sirk

(immeadiatly followed by):
*stunned* "He does know father" -Semage

--Mom and Dad Save The World

On his deathbed, Oscar Wilde is alleged to have said, in jest...

"I am in a duel to the death with this wallpaper; one of us has got to go."

Best thing ever.

Oscar Wilde also said: "Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious"

"I just don't give a F***" -Eminem

"Im the Prince o' F***in' Darkness!" -Ozzy Osbourne


Jet: That old lay could have been killed! Did you ever think of that??

Spike: I try not to think.

"there is no spoon......." -Neo

"WHERE THE F#$% IS THE BACTINE?!?!" -Jhonny C, from the comic book, Jhonny the Homicidal Maniac, by Jhonen Vasquez

"AWWW, C'mon, TALK TO SPOOKY!! *squeak,squeak*" -Tenna, from the comic book I Feel Sick by Jhonen Vasquez

"'I've been all over the future', said Ford 'it's just the same as anywhere else, anywhen else, whatever. just the same old thing with faster cars and smellier air.'" -Mostly Harmless by Douglas Adams.

"The grass is always greener when spraypainted."-Erin Morgan

"I'm too young and too male to be the mother of a seventeen year old female me!" --Elliot

And finally, a quote whose sheer stupidity baffles me to no end. : "everybody needs money : that’s why they call it money"-I don't remember.

In the end, we are naught but living stones, made from the elements of the earth, sea, and sky.
-me

"It is green" - Data when asked to describe the alcohol he found behind Guinan's bar.

"I THINK... I THINK I COULD BE FRIENDS WITH THE GREEN BOTTLE"
-Death

"If at first you dont succeed, pack in more explosives and try again."-Me to friend while experimenting with newly designed detonator device. (im not a terrorist. I just like explosives)

"KKKKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"
-Capt. James T. Kirk, "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"

:)

"Only two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
--Albert Einstein

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."
--Agent K

"Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The Village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."
--(allegedly) Nostradamus

BTW, who is this "Radical Edward" fellow?

"There's a pleasure sure in being mad that none but madmen know" - Dryden
No idea who he is, but i heard the quote and liked it

"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI" - unknown, at least to me

lots of others that i like, but i can't remember them right now

"Only two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
--Albert Einstein

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."
--Agent K

"Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The Village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."
--(allegedly) Nostradamus

BTW, who is this "Radical Edward" fellow?
Radical Edward is a character from the anime, Cowboy Bebop.

Mostly Harmless. -The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy reffering to the planet Earth.

Its a rough Universe out there. You have to know where your towel's at. always. -Ford Prefect

And now, a lesson in Rythm Management. -Linkin Park

"And they would wander the desert for 40 years until they came unto the holy lands, and later they would move to Florida to f*ck up an election" - Unknown source reffering to Exodus and the Miami Florida ballot box affair.

"Shazam" - Me.

"We're doing crime here! You don't sneak up during crime!"
-Xander Harris

"I worked hard for that money!"
"So did I"
"You stole it!"
"And you're making it into very hard work."
-Xander Harris arguing with Spike

"A Slayer slays and a Watcher--"
"Watches?"
"Yes, I mean no!"
-Rupert Giles and Buffy Summers

"And they would wander the desert for 40 years until they came unto the holy lands, and later they would move to Florida to f*ck up an election" - Unknown source reffering to Exodus and the Miami Florida ballot box affair.

Uh...you realize how anti-semitic that sounds, right?

"My hair changed color. It happens!" - Susan

"[to Susan] ...and you're blonde, and you still won't explain how or why! [to Ellen] And I still don't know why you sleep so much! [to Justin] And YOU...carry on." - Nanase

"There once was a woman from Venus, whose body was shaped like a--"
"DATA!" - Data/Picard

"A blind man teaching an android how to paint. That's got to be worth a couple pages in somebody's book." - Riker

"This is NOT a moment I've been looking forward to." - Human Q, upon his meeting with Guinan.

"My life has left me!" - Frasier

"I'm here about smother...I mean, mother." - Skinner

"We come from a far away land sent here by leprechauns." - Torg

"So we both like men?"
"Yep."
"God, are we stupid."
Rebecca and her gay ex-boyfriend.

"All right, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porn star." - George, trying to get rid of his girlfriend.

"The church no longer accepts the presence of satanically possessed amusement machines." - Priest

"I ask for so little, and boy, do I get it." - Dilbert

"I think that each photon is a miniature universe, and to the inhabitants of that unverse, our universe looks like a photon! If I'm right, I could be the first rat to win the nobel prize! Stranger things have happened."
"Name one." - Ratbert/Dilbert

"You're working hard. I'm doing nothing. In a hundred years, we'll both be dead." - Ratbert

"Our consultant suggested putting attractive women in our booth at the trade show. I rejected that idea. It is sexist and demeaning. I have a better idea to increase traffic to our booth. [to Dilbert] It's your thong bikini. You'll stand in front of our competitor's booth." - Alice

"Sometimes I pretend to choke in the cafeteria, then when someone performs the heimlich maneuver on me, I spin around suddenly, just to get a hug." - Wally

"This allows you to set up virtual terminals. Make sure it's enabled, or you won't be able to do much with your shiny new Linux machine." - Linux source config help.

Okay, that last quote is a pretty good indicator it's time to quit.

best quote would be "This land is made of love and pece!"Vash The Stampede

funnyest is "Bite my shiny metal ass!" bender

"This is so exciting. Does this make anyone else want to lock them each up in seperate rooms and do experiments on them? [everyone stares blankly at him] Guess it's just me then."
-Riley Finn

"It's a big rock. Won't my friends be surprised. They don't have a rock this big."
-Spike

"So someone pulls out the sword,"
"Someone worthy."
"Atcathla wakes up, wackiness ensues."
-Spike and Angelus

"Darkness called... But I was on the phone, so I missed it.
I tried to star-69 Darkness, but his machine picked up. I yelled
'PICK UP THE PHONE, DARKNESS!', but he ignored me. Darkness
must have been screening his calls." - Demon Hunter from Warcraft 3

"Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool"

"I'm not sure what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce"

"They've gone to plaid!" -Barf, Spaceballs

...anything from "Whose Line is it Anyway"

L0v3 4nd P34c3! L0v3 4nd P34c3! L0v3 4nd P34c3!L0v3 4nd P34c3!......L0v3 4nd P34c3!!!!!!

"I am my thoughts. If Buffy has my thoughts, then she becomes me. I cease to exist. Willow doesn't exist either. Or Giles. We think, therefore she is."
-Oz's thoughts

"You're not the Watcher of me."
-Xander Harris

"Hi Anya. How's your money?"
"Good, thanks for asking."
-BuffyBot and Anya

"Come the millennium, month 12, In the home of greatest power, The Village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."
--(allegedly) Nostradamus

I'd like to point out two things here.

1: The millenium started in 2001.
2: If that's when he came forth for the power, then that's not when he was chosen to recieve the power.

So this quote appears to refer to...no one at all!

It could mean when he actually took office in January.

"We joined forces with one really cool mission statement, remember?"
<FLASHBACK>
"Hey, you guys want to team up and take over Sunnydale?"
"Sure."
-The Trio

"There is no one in this world who is powerful enoguh to stop me!"
"I'd like to test that theory."
-Uber Willow and Rupert Giles

"Over there, that's where Spike slept. Oh, and here is where Anya and I drowned the demon. And hey, over there is where I got my heart ripped out! God I hate this place."
-Xander Harris moving out.

L0v3 4nd P34c3! L0v3 4nd P34c3! L0v3 4nd P34c3!L0v3 4nd P34c3!......L0v3 4nd P34c3!!!!!!

I can almost forgive the use of leet, but you mangled one of the funniest lines of one of the best animes.

"Cool! I smell like naked people!"
"ASSMONKEY KILL!!!"
"Poof! I am god!"

No one has ever seen this show, so I can be pretty sure that these quotes are all new to you. They're all from the japanese show Jungle Wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu, and are roughly translated.

(Weda): Hey Hale! Mom is really happy right now! You know why?
(Hale): You've been drinking.
(Weda): Hmm... Close. That might be part of the reason, or more likely one of the reasons!
-Weda and Hale

If you're too rude... (Points downward, camera pans down to get a shot of Hell) ...I'll drop you.
-Weda

I didn't get that sort of dangerous feeling. But I thought he was coming on to me. He touches you a lot...
That's called sexual harrassment!
-Lavenna and Wiggle

WHY?!? Why is such an asshole like that my dad?!?
-Hale

(Fighter 1): One hit. I'll finish you with one hit. If you can dodge or take this punch, I'll let you take the win. How about it?
(Various crowd members): One hit?!? That means she's aming... The place where she can do the most damage, in other words...
(Fighter 2, to himself): My body... She'll go for my body then... Low stepping... She's going for a body shot!
(Crowd): She's going for-!
(Male half of the audience): OOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!!
(Female half of the audience): The crotch.

It could mean when he actually took office in January.

Uh...month 12?

*shrugs* I do not know... I copied it from somewhere else...

Andromeda Ascendant: "Well Tyr, how do your suggest we divert a cloud of charged particles?"

"Improvise?"

"....And i've appointed Vash The Stampede as chairman of both the Humanitarian Commision and The Department of Ass Whomping. Our Defense Minister being Suge Night, and Mr. Bob Marley as head of the DEA. I am also proud to announce that Al Gore has been reassigned to a small cubicle in the furnace room acompanied by his 1 woman Cockroach control cabinet, Nick Cannon. And yes, i believe 1337 will do just fine as the uniform language."


-Me when i become president of the Universe.



"I'm not even supposed to be here today!!!!" -Dante, Clerks.

I don't know about the best quote, but I'm rather fond of it.

The race goes to the swift, I s'pose,
or else the slow and the steady,
or else the passionate, or those
who bothered to get ready,
or the ones who coached themselves, or those
meticulously mentored
But every single time it goes
to someone who entered.

Jef Mallett

"Do you want to be on the invitations as William the Bloody or just Spike? Because either way it's going to look majorly weird."
"Oh and the name Buffy is a picnic in the park?"
"What's wrong with Buffy?"
"An excellent question."
-Buffy, Spike, Buffy, and Giles, when a spell caused Buffy to nearly marry Spike (hilarity ensued).

I stay away from the law and it stays away from me. That's why I don't want a dirty coppers in my change.

That was me a few hours ago, giving 5p extra so I wouldn't have any coppers left in my wallet.

Per me si va nella citta dolente,
Per me si va nell' etterno dolore,
Per me si va tra la perduta gente.
Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore;
Fecemi la divina potestate, la somme sapienza e 'l primo amore.
Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create se non eterne, e io etterna duro.
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate.
A true classic.

"In this world gone mad we won't spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us." --Jay, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

I collect quotes too. A few of these have been posted, but not enough for me to consider picking them out :)

Part the first:

"You can't hold a man down without staying down with him."
- Booker T. Washington

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
- Will Rogers


"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."
- Mark Twain

"A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents."
- G. C. Lichtenberg

"A world that loves its irony must hate the protest singer"
-BareNaked Ladies, "Helicopters"

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
- Reinhold Niebuhr

"Good teachers are costly, but bad teachers cost more."
- Robert Talbert

"We satisfy our endless needs and justify our bloody deeds
in the name of destiny and in the name of God"
-The Eagles, The Last Resort

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.... Unless there are three other people with me."
-Orson Welles

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have."
- Margaret Mead

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Albert Schweitzer

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted."
- Mary O'Connor

"All you need for happiness is a good gun, a good horse, and a good wife."
- Daniel Boone

"Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."
- David Letterman

"Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. the most terrifying thing is what people do want."
- Clive Barnes

"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."
- Chinese Proverb

"Let us have faith that right makes might; and in that faith let us dare to do our duty as we understand it."
- Abraham Lincoln

"It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!"
- Abraham Lincoln

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
- Mark Twain

"Love many, hate few, and learn to paddle your own canoe."
- American Proverb

"The Universe does not have rules. It has habits. And habits can be broken."
- Unknown

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin

"I'm sort of a pessimist about tomorrow and an optimist about the day after tomorrow."
- Eric Sevareid

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook

"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
- Patrick Murray

"Leaders are visionaries with a poorly developed sense of fear and no concept of the odds against them."
- Robert Jarvik

"You do not lead by hitting people over the head. That's assault, not leadership."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock."
- Orson Welles

"I feel really 'chipper' tonight, and it's really starting to freak me out. I just keep reminding myself, 'The world is a monster, the world is a monster.'"
-Tycho Brahe

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
- Jules de Gaultier

"Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?"
- Bill Watterson, _Calvin & Hobbes_

"The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true."
- J. Robert Oppenheimer

"Jesus picked up twelve men from the bottom ranks of business and forged them into an organization that conquered the world."
- Bruce Barton (1886-1967) US author, advertising executive

"When men are pure, laws are useless;
when men are corrupt, laws are broken."
- Benjamin Disraeli

"One ship sails east, another west,
By the self same winds that blow.
It isn't the gales, it's the set of the sails,
That determines the way we go."
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

"The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you."
- Kin Hubbard

"And here, poor fool, with all my lore I stand no wiser than before."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, _Faust_

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted;
Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
Persons attempting to find a plot will be shot.
By Order of the Author "
- Mark Twain

"This is the great Theater of Life. Admission is free but taxation is mortal. You come when you can and leave when you must. The show is continuous. Good Night"
-Robertson Davies

"Death makes angels of us all."
- Jim Morrison, "The Severed Garden"

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; Anger leads to hate; Hate leads to suffering.
I sense much fear in you."
-Yoda

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
- Betty Ford

"I left for college. Dad said, 'I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'Well, now that I broke the sight off your rifle.' Yeah. My parents threw quite a going-away party for me. According to the letter."
- Emo Phillips

"Accusations I can handle. I know what to do when threatened with violence. But a hug? How am I supposed to counter a hug?"
- Sam, "Freefall"

"God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers."
- Jewish Proverb

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions."
- Ellen Glasgow

"I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet."
- Joan St. Onge

"My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me when I'm gone."
- Unknown

"O woe, woe,
People are born and die,
We shall also be dead pretty soon.
Therefore let us act as if we were dead already."
- Ezra Pound parodies A.E. Housman

"There is a theory which states that if anyone ever discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why is it here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
- Douglas Adams

"That so few now dare to be eccentric marks the chief danger of our time."
- John Stuart Mill

"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book."
- Cicero

"Only the mediocre are always at their best."
- Jean Giraudoux

"The fact that you are here, now, talking to me means that some village is missing its idiot."
- Bob Arens

"I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."
- Pat Paulsen

"You can stand tall without standing on someone.
You can be a victor without having victims."
- Harriet Woods

"Walk not behind me, for I am not a leader
Walk not before me, for neither am I a follower
Instead walk beside me as an equal and as a friend"
- Thomas Wright


"Remember kids! Costume change equals character development!"
- Greg Hyland, Lethargic Lad

"I must say, his willingness to employ the word Fuck told me right off that this was a man I could trust."
- Tycho Brahe, about Scott McCloud


"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on."
-Joseph Heller _Catch-22_

"There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same."
- Norman Mailer

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
- Confucius

"We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance."
` - Japanese Proverb

"If I had my choice of how I would die, I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames."
-George Carlin

"I'm an endless source of pain. I'm like the perpetual whup-ass machine except I don't stop for lunch breaks"
-Maritza Campos (as Mike Green), _College Roomies From Hell!!!_

"To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to declare the inhabitants to be either fools or slaves."
- Claude-Adrien Helvetius

"You have reached the pinnacle of success as soon as you become uninterested in money, compliments or publicity."
- Dr. O. A. Battista

"I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off."
- Jack Paar

"God grant me a good sword and no use for it."
- Polish Proverb

Part the Second

"As I've been ill, I haven't gotten much game time in, but as I continue to take massive amounts of prescribed drugs and alcohol, I have been giving thought to a plague that has been destroying the very fabric of this great country for a long time, zombies!

"I mean think about it, here you are sitting in your home and suddenly your window is broken and a damn zombie is reaching inside, and you are like "Hey zombie! get out of my house!", and the zombie just moans and pretends to be deaf, but we know better, so then we have to go and grab a crossbow with explosive bolts or a handgun to dispatch the damn thing. Then we have to deal with removing this stinking corpse from our house, and replace the broken window. Just who pays for that window? Why we do.. you ever tried to get zombie home owner insurance? I think not, they won't even offer it... I called up my insurance company and demanded coverage for zombie damage and they refused! It is a conspiracy against home owners and mad scientists everywhere I tell you, and something should be done about it.

"So please, write in to your congressmen and demand that they do something to solve the zombie problem."
-Rodney "Largo" Caston


"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."
- St. Augustine

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy."
- John Adams

"In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous."
- Robert G. Ingersoll

"And here is my message to all aspiring cartoonists: You know how often you sit back and think that you'd love to do that damn comic you've always wanted to do, but you know your skills aren't where they need to be yet? Fuck your skills. Take them out behind the bar and fuck em. Those things only get better if you practice em, and the only way to practice em is to sit down and actually do a comic. Even if you're only doing a xeroxed minicomic (and if your skills really are that underdeveloped, I beg of you to PLEASE just do a damn Xeroxed minicomic), you gotta do it. One of the greatest regrets of my life to this date is all the time I didn't spend working on my craft. I shoulda done crap minicomics with every idea I ever had ... if they sucked too bad, I coulda always redone em later for a 'real' book."
-Jon Morris

"A hard beginning makes a good ending."
- John Heywood

"If a man would move the world, he must first move himself."
- Socrates

"Start by doing what's necessary, then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
- Saint Francis of Assisi

"Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy."
- Amy Strum Alcott (US golfer)

"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead."
- Scottish Proverbs

"Twelve highlanders and a bagpipe make a rebellion."
- Scottish Proverbs

"This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out."
- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"

"Oh, please. While it's true that a lot of stupid crap is popular, it doesn't necessarily follow that everything popular is bad or stupid. Not everything that is 'trendy' is something that should be avoided or reviled, and anyone who thinks otherwise should be alerted to the massive popularity of breathing so they can take appropriate avoidance measures."
- Andy Simmons, _Random Axe of Kindness_ (randomaxe.keenspace.com)

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
- Homer Simpson

"There is no need to sally forth, for it remains true that those things which make us human are, curiously enough, always close at hand. Resolve, then, that on this very ground, with small flags waving and tiny blasts of tiny trumpets, we shall meet the enemy, and not only may he be ours, he may be us."
-Walt Kelly

"Don't look back. The lemmings are gaining on you"
-unknown

"If you're doing business with a religious son-of-a-bitch, get it in writing! His word isn't worth shit; not with the Good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal."
-William S. Burroughs

"Any problem can be solved with enough dynamite"
-Slappy Squirrel

"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together..."
-Carl Zwanzig

"Hopeless causes are the only causes worth fighting for"
-Frank Capra

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it"
-Groucho Marx

"And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
and racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but your older,
shorter of breath, and one day closer to death."
-Pink Floyd "Time"


"Ooh, neat! Santa got caught in this bear trap I set! WOW! He gnawed his own foot off to escape!"
-Steve Purcell, "Sam & Max: The Damned Don't Dance"

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
-Mark Twain

"Remember: Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck."
-Robin Williams

"Remember, if you can't kill 'em with kindness, bullets work too." -Unknown

"That was Carl" said Richard "He's great. He's really brilliant. Honestly. Don't worry about him being a complete sod."
Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine, _Last Chance to See_

"Of all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag."
-Robert Asprin _Myth Conceptions_

"The cool thing is to find some way to take advantage of the existing universe and do neat things with it."
-Cliff Stoll

"Anyone who takes this seriously deserves to."
-Donna Barr

"Sado-masochism means never having to say you're sorry" -Benny Hill

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort"
-Herm Albright

"Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world around him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes it to be. Only the weak blame parents, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within him to say 'This I am today; that I will be tomorrow'"
-Louis L'amour _The Walking Drum_

"The Absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously"
-Henry Kissinger

"You gotta go full-tilt bozo, 'cause you're only born with a little spark of madness, and if you lose that, you're nothing"
-Robin Williams

"Nobody has money that ought to have it"
-Benjamin Disraeli

"Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God"
-John Bradshaw

"We are at a great disadvantage when we make war on people who have nothing to lose"
-Francesco Gucciardini

Inigo stood still a moment, panting. Then he made a half turn in the direction of Count Rugen and executed a well-formed bow. "Hello," he said. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
And in reply, the count did a genuinely remarkable and unexpected thing: he turned and ran.
-William Goldman, _The Princess Bride_

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing"
-Redd Foxx

"In times like these, it helps to remember that there have always been times like these."
-Paul Harvey

"They have rights who dare to defend them."
-Rodger Baldwin

"Here is the answer I will give to President Roosevelt... Give us then tools, and we will finish the job."
-Winston Churchill

"We have finished the job. What shall we do with the tools?"
-Emperor Haile Selassie to Churchill

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."
-Salvador Hardin

"Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry loose is not nailed down."
-Collis P. Huntington

"It is a sin peculiar to man to hate his victim."
-Tacticus

"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions"
-Wilson Mizner

"There is no such thing as a dirty word. Nor is there a word so powerful, that it's going to send the listener to the lake of fire upon hearing it."
-Frank Zappa

"A man who studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green"
-Francis Bacon

"A ship in harbor is safe -- but that's not what ships are for."
-John A Shedd

"I like the word 'Indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy"
-Bern Williams

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
- Ashleigh Brilliant

"I was gratified to answer to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know"
-Mark Twain

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want"
-Bill Watterson

Part the Third! Woo!

"God help thee, poor monkey!"
-Shakespeare, _Macbeth_

"I advise you to go on living solely to enrage those who are paying your annuities. It is the only pleasure I have left."
-Voltaire

"Do not proffer sympathy to the mentally ill, it is a bottomless pit. Tell them firmly 'I AM NOT PAID TO LISTEN TO THIS DRIVEL! YOU ARE A TERMINAL FOOL!'"
-William S. Burroughs

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself"
-D.H. Lawrence

"Only the impossible can do the impossible"
-Ann Rice _The Vampire Lestat_


"The only Caucasians here in Compton are Jesus and the cops, and if you see either of them, you're in trouble"
-Paul Rodriguez


"May we all stay crazy and live the bitchin' life!"
-Robin Williams

"I am the world's first fully-functioning homicidal artist. I make art until someone dies."
-Jack Nicholson as The Joker, _Batman_


"It is as inhuman to be totally good as it is to be totally evil"
-Anthony Burgess

"Y'know what they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you even more embittered and resentfull"
-Adam Warren, _BubbleGum Crisis: Grand Mal_

"What we do next will have dire consequences"
-Evan Dorkin, Milk and Cheese

"Good; Bad; I'm the guy with the gun."
-Bruce Campbell as Ash -_Army of Darkness_

"When you meet someone with good manners, you can't know immediately if you're meeting a good person. You may not know for years, or ever. But you will know immediately that something is right about that person. the world is well supplied with rude people spouting high moral positions about human rights, but it is noticeably lacking in those who worry about the human being waiting in line behind them at the automated teller machine while they balance their checkbooks."
-Owen Edwards

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

"It's not the situation that's causing you stress, it's your thoughts, and you can change them right here and now. You can choose to be peaceful right here and now. Peace is a choice, and it has nothing to do with what others say or think."
-Rev. Canon Geoffrey Gray

"My favorite phrase is 'I don't know' because every time I say it, I learn something"
-Dr. Timothy Leary

"Questions deserving answers
Answers deserving action
What am I, of the populi
I am but a fraction
Is there Heaven, is there Hell?
Is that a tuna melt I smell?
come on"
-Primus "Hellbound 17 1/2 (Theme From)"

"Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after."
-Ann Marlowe Lindberg

"Always laugh at yourself first, before the others do"
-Elsa Maxwell

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."
-A. Whitney Brown

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

"No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less."
-Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Phillips

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?'"
-Quentin Crisp

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
-George Carlin

"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."
-David Letterman

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad."
-Salvador Dali

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
-Hunter S. Thompson

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
-Mark Twain

"My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known."
-Peter S. Beagle, _The Last Unicorn_

"You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence."
-Charles A. Beard

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and for government to gain ground"
-Thomas Jefferson

"If we believe absurdities, We will commit atrocities"
-Voltaire

"When it's dark enough, you can see the stars"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Every man must get to Heaven his own way."
-Fredrick the Great

"We will either find a way or make one"
-Hannibal

"Now, some of you may encounter the Devil's Bargain, if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving, at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying, so you can take the offer as a compliment. He tries the easy ones first, you know, like money; all the money there is, but who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? Not much left to spend it on, eh Gramps? Getting too old to cut the mustard. How does a young body grab ya? Like Three-Card
Monty; Like Pea-under-the-shell; Now you see it, now you don't. Haven't you forgotten something Gramps? In order to FEEL something you've got to BE there. You have to BE eighteen. You're not eighteen. You're seventy-eight. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on. Well, they always try the easy ones first. How about an honorable bargain? You always wanted to be a doctor, well, now here's your chance. Why, you could become a great leader and benefit humanity! What's wrong with that? Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains involving the exchange of qualitative merchandise like souls, or quantitative merchandise like time or money. So piss off Satan and don't take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk-pusher told me 'Watch whose money you pick up'"
-William S. Burroughs

"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."
-Blair Houghton

"Who's more the fool? The fool, or the fool who follows him?"
-Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age shows up all by itself."
-Tom Wilson

"Never assume the obvious is true"
-William Safyre

"There is no greater burden than great potential"
-Charles M. Shultz

"Hated by fools and fools to hate
be that my motto and my fate"
-Jonathan Swift

"Damned if you do, Bored if you don't."
-Shannon Wheeler, "Too Much Coffee Man"

"Stupidity has a certain charm; ignorance does not."
-Frank Zappa

"Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese."
-Bill Burke

"While I write this letter, I have a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other."
-Sir Boyle Roche

"The world don't want to be saved. Only left alone."
-Megadeth "Elysian Fields"

May your shit come to life and kiss you on the face.
-Frank Zappa (to Tipper Gore)

"You gotta be one of the good guys, son. 'Cause there's way to many of the bad"
-Garth Ennis, _Preacher: Until the End of the World_

"Everyone in Quinque knows that everything outside their land is nothing but dream. The truly wise know that Quinque itself is also a dream."
-S. Andrew Swann _God's Dice_

"Believe not because some old manuscripts are produced, believe not because it is your national belief, believe not because you have been made to believe from your childhood, but reason truth out, and after you have analyzed it, then if you find it will do good to one and all, believe it, live up to it and help others to live up to it."
- Budda

"All lies in jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest"
-Paul Simon "The Boxer"

"If you were going to die soon, and only had one phone call to make, Who would you call; what would you say; and why are you waiting?"
-Stephen Levene

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional"
-Unknown

"Life is but a dream" -Children's rhyme

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow."
-James Dean

"It's kinda fun to do the impossible"
-Walt Disney

"People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
-Abraham Lincon

"Man is free the moment he wishes to be"
-Voltaire

"What I don't know can fill an ocean, but what I believe could change the tide"
-Paul Sanchez "Once in a While"

"The stupidest religious mistake anyone ever made was assuming the gods are on their side."
-S. Andrew Swann, _God's Dice_

"I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my desk."
-Robert Bloch

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."
-Phyllis Diller

Last little bit. Maybe I shoulda just posted highlights?



"The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!"
-Ashleigh Brillaint

"The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too."
-Frederick Buechner

"Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something."
-Thomas Edison

"The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius."
-Larry Leissner

"Do not speak harshly to any one; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful: blows for blows will touch thee."
-The Dhammapada (c. BC 300)

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"Listen to your intuition. It will tell you everything you need to know."
-Anthony J. D'Angelo

"Everyday, people are straying away from the church and going back to God."
-Lenny Bruce

"I feel that if I person can't communicate, the very least he can do is shut up."
-Tom Lehrer

"And then she told me everyone can know everything Destiny knows and more than that. She said that not only we can know everything, we DO. We just tell ourselves that we don't to make it all bearable"
-Neil Gaiman, Brief Lives

"[While] I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love."
-Roger Zelazny, _The Guns of Avalon_

"If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise."
-William Blake

"If science were explained to the average person in a way that is accessible and exciting, there would be no room for pseudoscience. But there is a kind of Gresham's Law by which in popular culture the bad science drives out the good. And for this I think we have to blame, first, the scientific community ourselves for not doing a better job of popularizing science, and second, the media, which are in this respect almost uniformly dreadful. Every newspaper in America has a daily astrology column. How many have even a weekly astronomy column? And I believe it is also the fault of the educational system. We do not teach how to think. This is a very serious failure that may even, in a world rigged with 60,000 nuclear weapons, compromise the human future."
-Carl Sagan, _The Burden of Skepticism_

"If we were logical, the future would be bleak indeed. But we are more than logical. We are human beings, and we have faith, and we have hope, and we can work."
- Jacques Cousteau

"I can't deal with mornings. They smell of milk and the sun goes the wrong way. I don't need that kind of hassle"
- James Roberts, Albion Fuzz

"A philosopher is a sort of intellectual yokel who gawks at things that sensible people take for granted."
- Alan W. Watts, _The Way of Liberation_

"I have self-esteem now. I will argue violently with you!"
- David Willis, It's Walky!

"So here is my advice to anyone starting a comic strip. First off, do it because you love it and because you feel like if you don't get all the ideas in your head out on paper you might just explode. Second, make comic strips that YOU like and that YOU think are funny. Don't listen to anyone else, remember you are doing this for yourself not them. Third, if you make a schedule like three times a week or, God help you daily you stick to it. The best way to keep people coming back to your site is to update when you say you will without fail. You start missing days and people will stop coming, I guarantee. Don't feel like you have to do a daily strip either. We aren't all cartooning robots like Kurtz. If all you can do is three a week, then do three a week but don't miss a beat. Last but not least, no one wants to here you bitch and moan about how your dogs kept you up last night so you didn't have time to draw strip. This is either something you can do or it's not. I swear to God sometimes I think Piro is about three sad girl drawings away from a complete breakdown."
-John Gabriel, Penny Arcade

"Whatever you have to do to have a good time, let's get on with it, so long as it doesn't cause a murder."
-Frank Zappa

"Why doesn't anyone just want to take over North America? Or Canada? A man could live quite nicely with just Canada under his bootheel. "
-James Lileks

"My plans are always practical! It's the laws of physics that get in the way of my success!"
-Brian Clevenger (As Red Mage), 8-Bit Theater

"If you had a neck and I had hands I would squeeze your brain which is your body out the top of your head which does not exist!"
-Carl, of Carl and Sons

"I suppose if I cut off all my sinful parts I'd get into heaven, but it wouldn't much help my career as a cartoonist."
-Owen Dunne, _You Damn Kid_

"Over the hills and far away, Teletubbies turned me gay. That's right, gay. Jerry Fallwell was right, watching a bunch of cartoonish stuffed mascots wandering around a technicolor set will just snap the thin strands that seperate all you remaining hererosexuals straight into gaydom. Fallwell isn't crazy... well, Ok he is, nevermind. I used to be a straight guy, got married, had kids, but half an episode of Teletubbies and WHAM. Then I watched 20 minutes of Fallwell giving a sermon and WHAM I turned into a Dutchman! Wooden shoes and the whole kit. Damn TV, by the end of the day I was an orange leprechaun with tentacles and a second robotic head."
-Tirdun (Of Sluggy.net)

"Stop talking! Impending death by monkey!" -David Willis (As David Walkerton) It's Walky!

"I saw a werewolf drinking a Pina Colada at Trader Vic's, and his hair was perfect."
- Warren Zevon, "Werewolves of London"

"Ape vagina is too small for man penis." --David Willis

"Invader blood runs through my veins like giant radioactive pants. THE PANTS COMMAND ME! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!" ~Zim

Zim: For you, I'm thinking... a dog.
Gir: Can I be a mongoose dog?
Zim: Quiet! You want to wake up the whole neighbourhood?
Gir: ...I dooo.

"Today, a new girl assaulted me with MEAT! My conclusion: She's in love with me." ~Zim

Gir: And then a squirrel showed up!
Host: Uh, don't you mean Dib showed up?
Gir: No, a squirrel. Then Dib. And the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head, then went back to its home planet where it beat all the bad guys!
Host: What did that have to do with anything?
Gir: The squirrel is my frieeeend.

Gaz: You got any video games around here?
Computer: No.
Gaz: *pouts* I GUESS I'll help save the EARTH, then.

"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now!" ~Gir

Dib: Ms. Bitters, I heard that long ago, children used to exchange cards on Valentine's Day. How did the meat thing get started?
Bitters: You don't want to know.
Dib: *weirded-out look on face*

"You guys are just ASKING for the moose." ~Dib

Zim: I leave you to your...
Gir: Moosey fate! Say moosey fate!
Zim: Your moosey fate!
Gir: *giggles*

"I will rule the world with an iron fist! You there! Obey the fist!" ~Zim

"God does not play dice with the cosmos." ~Einstein

"Einstein, don't tell God what to do." ~some other scientist

Tycho: Its a what?

Gabe: that side's for corrupt UT loving dogs. This side's for the disciples of Quake 3.

Tycho: the fridge is on your side!

Gabe: So is God.
-Penny Arcade



"the thing that sucks about being a Martyr is that you have to die."
-Alan Rickman playing The Voice of God, Dogma



"Strangely enough, the only thing going through the bowl of Petunias' mind was 'Oh no, not again' "
-Douglas Adams

"Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep?
To the very toes he is terrified,
Because the ground gives way under him,
And the dream begins...."

- Friedrich Nietzche

"to: the tree born kettle girl" a letter from ranma 1/2

See my sig for one.

All you people with Buffy quotes, you guys pwn.

Cordy: Hey, there! Zoom in there!
Xander: This is a normal VCR.
Cordy: So? They do it all the time on TV.
Leading up to...
Oz: Hey, pause that there.
Xander (yelling): For the last time, this is a normal VCR...[ quiet ] Oh, wait...


BEST QUOTE EVER ALERT!
Tedd: She's like a sleepy little ninja.

Keitaro: muffled Naru....less tongue...

I'll have more later.

*is happy to meet another Buffy fan*

We're doing crime here! You don't sneak up during crime!
-Xander Harris

Hey everybody! Giles owns a TV! He's shallow, like us!
-Xander Harris

((Have I already listed those?))

Indeed!

Buffy: Willow, you're our only hope.
Will: What? No! I don't want to be the only hope! I crumble under pressure. Let's have another hope!

May be from same conversation, confirmation please?
Buffy: I need you, Will, you're my big gun.
Willow: No, I don't wanna be a gun. I can be a cudgel, or a pointy stick!

Old School Buffy!
Merrick: A watcher has to play his part.
Buffy: You can play with your part all you like, but it's my neck on the line!

Not funny, but still the best quote from the 4th season:
Buffy: Professor Walsh? You know that simple recon mission you sent me on? Wasn't a raccoon. Turns out, I was trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out...

((No good quotes from the episode with the Gentlemen, but it was still funny as hell))

Cordelia: So what's the plan?
Xander: The vampire attacks you.
Cordelia: Then what?
Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.

Ah. Hush is one of the best episodes ever.

From Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered, season 2:
Xander: Hi Amy. You're a witch.
Amy: What? No! That was my mother! I don't do that!
Xander: I saw you working the mojo there on Ms. {whatever} there. Now, Blackmail is such a strong word...
Amy: ...I didn't say blackmail
Xander: No, but I'm about to. You and me, Amy, We're gonna do a little spell.

What? I was going to pay for it...I mean, no, I was going to nick it because that's what I do. I go where I want and I take what I please.
-Spike

((Helping out at the Magic Box on Halloween))
Buffy: What happened to Xander?
Giles: He kept poking me with his hook.

((That episode is on right now, that's why I thought of it))

Some non-buffy quotes!

English guy from Halo:
Chipps Dubbo:(after killing a Flood Combat Form - Human) I recognize that one, that was Bob!

More from the OA:
Cecil: The double-edged sword cuts both ways!
Charpker: And yet, you're exceptionally dull.

*Xander and his extensive vocabulary*
Xander: This is bad. This is very, very, very bad.

This was golden, because on that day and that time it was so true:

Vinny Mc Cool says:

oh, you posted in the salon as well...hell, you posted EVERYWHERE

And I've got tons more from random chatroom conversations. Here's some snippets:

<Drakon> mmmmmmmmmmmmm wireless pc
<Sabin> mmmm... orange gatorade
<Drakon> mmmmmmmmmmmm
<Zephir> mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Dr. Pepper.
<Drakon> lol
<Sabin> Zeph has us all 0wned
<Zephir> ^_^
<Drakon> yeah he does lol

<Hikaroo[Webpage]> GRRR! I DON'T WANT A BIGGER PENIS!!
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> ;-;
<vB[Photoshop-Studies]> lol
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> I'm so sick of those kinds of e-mails.
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> That is the ONLY KIND OF E-MAIL I GET!
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> And it really makes me mad.
<vB[Photoshop-Studies]> Beth, you should definetly think about it.
<vB[Photoshop-Studies]> lol ^_^
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> Let me think about that.
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> Hmm..
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> Mmmm...
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> Uh.
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> NO.
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> :P

* Zero_Hawk is back with pasta
* Zero_Hawk is now known as Zero_Hawk[SC-Eating]
<Hikaroo[Webpage]> PASTA?!
* Neal enjoys a pear
* Hikaroo[Webpage] steals the pasta
* Zero_Hawk[SC-Eating] steals his pasta back
* Zero_Hawk[SC-Eating] throws some garlic bread at Hikaroo
<Neal> GARLIC BREAD.
* Neal catches in midair
* Zephir steals from Neal.
* Neal splits it and gives half to Hikaroo
<Zephir> MUNCH MUNCH
* Neal or not.
* FrPhoenix ctrl+alt+deletes all virtual food in the channel.
<Zephir> ;_;
* FrPhoenix was kicked by Neal (ctrl alt delete THIS)
* FrPhoenix has joined #narshe
<ChanServ> [FrPhoenix] Bow before the anal-babies, you vaginal spawn!
* ChanServ sets mode: +v FrPhoenix
<Zephir> LOL

<Neal[Touching]> ...Wtf, I just put my cup in the laundry hamper and my socks in the sink

<murrrr> "whack the gopher for a free DVD"
* Neal[HW] whacks his gopher
<Zephir> lol Neal
<Elena99> lol
* Neal[HW] was kicked by Neal[HW] (*rimshot*)
* Neal[HW] has joined #narshe
* ChanServ sets mode: +o Neal[HW]
<Zephir> wb. ^_-
<Super_Moogle> Hi.

<R51> /me gets the hell out of dodge.
<R51> Uh, that was supposed to work.
* R51 has quit IRC (Exit: forget it.)
<Neal> even IRC owned him.

* Tiddles has quit IRC (Exit: Will pay top dollar for Cute slave Girls.)

<Kain> Hermoine's like 14, but hey R.Kelly did it so why can't I?

<Zero_Hawk> holy hell its long!

[02:45:12 pm] <Zephir> ...this Pink is following me. >_>
[02:45:15 pm] <Zephir> *Ping*
[02:45:31 pm] * Narratorway wouldn't mind being followed by Pink.

*This after a onversation that lasted for one hour and twenty minutes without a single minute of break time:*
[10:24:00 pm] <Neal[Fanfic]> and duyd "dooyd"
[10:24:48 pm] <Neal[Fanfic]> Very vague timeline made...
[10:24:55 pm] <Zephir> heh. :)
[10:33:28 pm] * Zephir slaughters chat with but a single word. ;D
[10:33:38 pm] <Neal[Fanfic]> :P

[02:52:26 pm] <Neal> BRB, going down on the laptop
[02:52:33 pm] <Neal> OMG, THAT MEANS GOING DOWNSTAIRS
[02:52:36 pm] * Neal has quit IRC (Exit: HAGDSHFASDK)

[06:11:17 pm] <Zephir> I was stating raw fascts.
[06:11:20 pm] <Zephir> *facts*
[06:11:26 pm] <R51> fascists?
[06:11:37 pm] * Zephir corrected himself. :P
[06:11:55 pm] <Soup> No, you performed the action "facts."
[06:11:56 pm] <R51> I know, I just thought it was funny that it almost spelled fascist. ^_^
[06:12:04 pm] <Zephir> -_-
[06:12:10 pm] * Soup facts.
[06:12:23 pm] * Zephir facts Soup into the next room. ò_ó
[06:12:29 pm] <R51> LOL
[06:12:33 pm] <Zephir> j/k
[06:12:36 pm] <Zephir> ^_^
[06:12:43 pm] <Soup> I'll fact you! ò_ó
[06:12:47 pm] * Soup shakes fist.
[06:12:58 pm] * Zephir facts Soup again.
[06:13:07 pm] * Soup facts Zephir more.
[06:13:33 pm] <Zephir> Well, I'll fact your fact with a counterfact! ò_ó
[06:13:45 pm] <Soup> Fact you, asshole!




And many, many more.

And Soup, ZH, Phoenix, and Neal own. >=D

"You are stupid. Your plans are stupid. Your intelligence is stupid!" ~Gir

"Hiya floor! Make me a sammich!" ~Gir

Dib: Don't you think Zim's been in the bathroom for a long time? NO ONE stays in the bathroom for three hours BEFORE lunch!
Bitters: I seem to remember you taking quite a while in there yourself, recently.
Dib: But that was corn and mayonaise day!

"MY BUSINESS is complete!" ~Zim, upon returning from the bathroom.

"I have a MIGHTY NEED to once again use the restroom!" ~Zim, same episode

Gir: Hiya, this is your new skool announcer! There will be a surprise mandatory field trip for the following students: Laura... [someone else]... everyone in Ms. Bitters's class... except for Zim!
Dib: ...
Gir: And ESPECIALLY Dib!
Dib: o.O

"And GIR did sayest, I seeneth a squirrel! It goest like this! And GIR did acteth like a squirrel." ~from a fanfic I'm writing

*Xander and Giles looking for Faith*

Xander: Spike! We're looking for a girl. Have you seen her?
Spike: I don't know. What's she look like?
Xander: About yea tall, dark hair, criminally insane...
Spike: Hmm...well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll track her down and tell her exactly where all of you are, then watch as she kills you.
*Xander and Giles share a blank expression*
Spike: Can't one of you even try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't mean I won't aim a loose cannon your way.
*Spike laughs and walks off*
Xander: We're dumb.

"'Luck' is my middle name! Of course, my first name is 'Bad'." --Rincewind

suicide? is it tasty?-Shinobu, Love HinaI believe the quote was said by Su-chan, not Shinobu, and I believe it was "Suicide? Delicious?". Though you still got the point across.

And because I'm lazy, I don't know if either of those have been said already.

Long time reader, first time poster.

OK here goes:

"We who are about to die don't want to."
-Ricewind

"It's not about not wanting to. It's about wanting to and not doing it."
-Angua, vegitarian werewolf

"God is love. Love is blind. Ray Charles is blind. Therefore, Ray is God."
-Chrono Trigger Rip-off

Hi there, and welcome!


Along those lines:

"IS THIS JOLLY?" - Death

my sig says it all:cheers:

"Never chew with your mouth open, or someone might steal your food!"
- Space Cats

My favorites all come from the same person, he is probably the best known person in America, and most of us can watch him every night, so here is a few of his best quotes:

Kids, you tried your best adn you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me.

Kill my boss?! Do i dare live out the American dream.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

If the Bible has taught us nothing else-- and it hasn't-- its's that girls should stick to to girls sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer: :hammer:

guess who said these famous quotes!

One of my favourites is from Dogbert. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I'm too much of a nice guy to ever use it in RL.

"I'd mock you, but the challenge is gone."